A little insight.

So here we are again, where I've disappeared from blogging and now I'm writing up my 'apology'. Today however isn't so much an apology as is more a little insight into what's going on and why I've been AWOL. There's a lot to explain, so let's do it in stages.

1: The Relationship Fail.
As some of you will know I have been with a boy for just under a year now and up until a few weeks ago we were even engaged. What came of that? A messy hurtful breakup. You see I honestly thought this boy was 'the one' and so for the past year I have put all my efforts in to affecting him, mostly pleasing him but often to piss him off too when he'd hurt me, which was more than you'd expect. He is the sort of guy who feels like he has utter control in a relationship meaning the past year has consisted of him deciding when we're on and when we're off. Stupidly, I let him thus giving him this power and control. But as they say 'all good things come to an end' and this finally has. Unfortunately by trying to give him what he wanted all year I put some of the most important people to me after him. I've always said sisters before misters, chicks before dicks (or any other innuendoes that come to mind) but this time I didn't stick to my own wisdom and really I should have lost a lot of people through that. Luckily all my loved ones are still there for me, even more so now that I need them, even though I don't deserve their support. I was so consumed by my love for this boy that I have honestly forgotten who I am and what's important to me meaning there is a huge battle ahead where I have to remember. Anyway to put it bluntly, boy decided we were off and so I finally grew some lady balls and told him we would NEVER be back on and I'd like to think I meant it. So now I'm adjusting to life as a single lady (now put ya hands up!) and I'm finding it a bit of a struggle as it's honestly quite weird going from seeing someone every day to not at all. It doesn't help that less than a week later he got himself a new girlfriend and tried setting me up with some random Vietnamese fellow that can't speak English but hey, moving on and such!

2: Working with anxiety?
Aside from the relationship fail I've also been failing within my work. Yes being a retail assistant isn't my dream job but it's an income, a source to pay the bills etc. However trying to juggle anxiety, depression, a full time job and a relationship just means stress overload. I was managing most of the time, admittedly I have had a little time off work on sick due to my panic attacks, but I seemed to be on the mend. My last panic attack was in late Feb/ early March of this year so I had gone a whole five months without one which was honestly the best feeling ever to me. The last month or so however things seem to have taken a turn for the worst, and I mean the genuine worst. It has got so bad that I have lost a total of 3 stone since my heaviest through stress alone. That along with having comments made about my appearance by a colleague, losing an old friend, splitting up with boy and being generally confused as to where I am in life has all gotten on top of me. Which leads me on to...

3: This morning!So, this morning I broke. Not to the extent that you may think where I was rocking back and forth speaking in tongues, no. But I woke up and whilst getting ready for work I had a panic attack. Yep, they're back and they're back with a vengeance. I powered through it however and got myself to work with a positive outlook on the day. That quickly vanished. About an hour or so into the day all I could think about was quitting or getting out of there somehow, my anxiety had hit its' peak and I can honestly say I have never been as nervous. My stomach was churning and I was shaking like hell. The worst thing about it is that I don't know why. There was nothing that set me off, it just begun and continued. Luckily my area manager was there and after speaking with my (outstanding) mum, I knew I had to go back on sick. Which brings us to right now. Me sat at home writing this feeling like utter rubbish. I have been prescribed Diazepam for the short term and have an appointment on Thursday to get some medication for the long haul of this. Hopefully I will overcome my anxiety and my depression but right now my mind set is falsely in a place where I'm not so sure I ever will. I'm not afraid to say that I'm scared shitless for myself. However I was told not to think about negatives but to concentrate on the good things that can come from the bad. So....

1: The relationship WIN!I am now completely free, untied and released from boy meaning I can start a fresh. I no longer have to please anyone but myself and those who genuinely matter to me. Who knows, maybe one day I'll even meet a nice new boy who will treat me like a human being! I know I said I have forgotten who I am/was but there's beauty in that. It means I can find myself and make myself into someone who I absolutely love. I'm going to leave the past in the past and get on with my new self and my new life and I'm going to thoroughly enjoy it! Hell, I might even dye my hair blonde!

2: Working with MANAGED anxiety!I cannot wait to be able to say I have managed anxiety and controlled depression. Although I'm in that pessimistic mind set there is absolutely no reason as to why those two things aren't achievable and I know that if I give it the time and patience that I need to give it I will get there and I will be one hell of a proud person for doing so! When it comes to work right now I'm still unsure what to do. I know I need to be on sick for a while but whether I will go back to that job, or go ahead and start my own MUA business I don't know. But I figure I have all the time in the world to decide.

3: Forthcoming!One day I will look back on this post and be in disbelief that I ever felt so shoddy. One day there will be no doubt in my mind that I am fully better and well. One day I wont love boy anymore but I will love myself wholeheartedly. One day I will be a successful woman and I will have made everyone who loves me and myself extremely proud. One day I'll be over this..


I may be a tad unwell at the moment, but I am monumentally determined to make something of myself. In terms of this blog it will kick off again. Probably with a July favourites post. You know, when you stop seeing someone every day you have a hell of a lot of time on your hands to do with whatever you want. And with me, thanks browsing the magical world of make up! I've found many new things this month and fallen for them hard, so keep your eyes out for that in the next few days.
If anyone at all has any questions about my situation or wants advice on theirs then do not hesitate to speak up even for a second. I feel a massive part of getting through hard times is communication so please do be a part of that!
Until next time

Much love, G x